“You can’t make it quickly enough”
by lexiaarcadia
Summary: 1night, 2 couples, 3 children and a whole load of Chaos. See inside for better summary


Title, "You can't make it quickly enough."

author, Radar Hunnihawk (AKA Ange!)

Rating, Mostly PG13, R IN PLACES, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Pairing: Hawkeye/Margret and Klinger/Frank!

Summary. 1 night, 2 couples, 3 children and a whole load of Chaos.

Authors Note: This is a sort of follow up to Both Thriller/Chiller and Riverbank Tales. If you haven't read them some parts of this may not make sense. Inspired by HawkeyesMartini Story Challenge about Spaghetti and Twilights Challenge about Whipped cream. Oh and the Scissor Sisters song of a similar name.

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Food plays more of a part in our lives that is often realised. It, like sex, is a basic need for us as a species to survive. Food, as 4 people on a reunion discovered, can also be used for something completly different from its original purpose. Take Spaghetti for an example. Or whipped cream. 2 couples where about to discover how much fun and chaos could result from these.

Couple one was the pair with the spaghetti. They where not you're traditional Pair. In fact, if you showed a picture of this couple together to the average Joe on the street they would probably say that these had never dated, would never date and should never date. Of course Klinger and Frank knew differently. Life had thrown them a few curveballs since they first met In Korea. At the time Frank had a wife, and three daughters. Frank also had a thing going on with a cute head nurse who then went and got herself married to someone who was not Frank. Klinger was an enlisted man who dressed in woman's clothing trying to get out of the army that Frank Loved. Then Frank lost his marbles and got himself sent stateside after a lot of therapy naturally. Then Klinger met Soon Lee and thought she was the one. She had stolen his heart and his wedding dress and eventually his money. To say both marriages ended up in messy and costly divorces would be an understatement. In fact that's where they met up again 10 years after Korea, in a divorce court. But not in Korea.

Couple number two would be the pair who eventually ended up covered in whipped cream. Lots of it. One a talented and dedicated surgeon, the other an equally talented and dedicated head nurse. They also met in Korea; ironically it was the same head nurse that had stolen and later broken Frank's heart. And Hawkeye's. This couple where obviously meant to be together. It was obvious to everyone at the time except Frank, and Margaret and Hawkeye that is. There was a few moments in time where ahem the earth moved for this pair but it was after Korea that they had gotten together. Much, Much, Much later after Korea in fact. Ironically it was Hawks breakdown in Korea that had made Margaret realize her true feelings for Hawkeye. And when Hawkeye had turned up in the same "Care home", as it where, that Margaret worked in suffering a relapse they finally got it together. To say that ruffled some feathers would be an understatement. She lost her job in fact, her employers none to please to discover she was closer to a patient than professionally needed. It also served to really annoy Margaret's husband at the time. In fact Hawkeye was her third and final husband. However one thing both couples had in common was only one person realised that they were together. Radar O'Riley was his name, loyal friend, Innocent, sweet and a bloody good matchmaker. He had helped Klinger's to track down Frank and Hawkeye to track down Margaret. Well even Cupid needs a little help now and again!

So a reunion. The perfect place for a little Drama to unfold if every other reunion story I have read is too believed. Well this story is no exception. Everything was going well, the food was good, the booze was flowing, stories regaled, tears shed, laughs shared. That was in till the main course arrived. That course being spaghetti. Someone who to protect their identity shall remain nameless; (Ahem everyone stirs pointedly at Trapper) suggested it would be fun to eat the spaghetti Lady and the Tramp style. Straight from the pot. This worked out fairly well in till Klinger and Frank somehow ended up with two ends of the same bit of spaghetti. They didn't realise this until they found resistance from slurping it up. It was Klinger who was the first of the duo to realise what had happened, he also decided to hell with it and followed the spaghetti all the way to Frank's lips. Secret relationships do not stay secret when one finds themselves stirring into his lovers surprised eyes and finding themselves fighting the urge to kiss him. However Frank was doing something Klinger found irresistible. Klinger secretly called it the wounded puppy look. Franks eyes were gazing into Klinger's own. And Then Not. They where stirring at a point just past Klinger's head. Secret relationships have even less chance of Staying secret when the former Mrs Burns is seeking revenge. To say Frank suddenly felt truly uncomfortable at the sight of his ex wife, looking pissed as hell, and marching towards the table with his three daughters in toe was the understatement of the decade. He quickly swallowed the spaghetti as Klinger's turned around to see what was going on. Louise was making a lot of noise about how "You have ruined my life" And Klinger started to squirm. However Klinger was not the victim of Louise's tirade, it was Margaret. Well Margaret was not going to stand for that. The resulting noisy conversation went a little something like this.

"Hi Louise, um this is unexpected." Frank stammered out.

"So you're the woman who destroyed my marriage" Louise responded to Margaret. Margaret turned to Hawkeye who shrugged and Margaret simply managed "huh?"

"Well are you not Hotlips Houlihan?"

Margaret hated being called Hotlips. She stood up and put her hands on her hips. Radar let out a sort of "EEEPPP!" whilst everyone looked on in interest and confusion.

"Do you even know who I am?" Louise continued.

"I'm afraid I don't." Margaret answered, in a very reasonable but i'm running out of patience rapidly tone.

"Margaret dear, I believe this is Frank's wife." Hawkeye responded quietly.

"Oh" Margaret responded equally as quietly.

"Ex wife and it's your entire fault!" Louise responded as she edged closer and closer to Margaret.

Meanwhile the youngest of Frank's three daughters, 7 year old Polly, saw her Daddy and leapt up onto his lap.

"DADDY!" Polly yelled as she hugged him as only 7 year old girls can. Frank hugged her back and Klinger smiled.

"Hey Polly, how you doing?" Frank asked quietly but not without affection.

"Miss you Daddy, I want to live with you, Mommy not nice."

"Polly get back over here now. I don't want you associating with him." Louise yelled. This set off another thing young children are famous for. A temper tantrum which involved young Polly screaming at the top of her lungs, grabbing a handful of spaghetti and launching it at her mother. This in turn set Franks two other children off, 10 year old Molly and 12 year old Edith who scurried over to Frank, knocking the table and sending the pot of spaghetti flying. The three children Klinger and Frank got covered in the stuff. Louise however hadn't noticed. This was because she had turned an unusual shade of scarlet and then walked over to where Margaret was trying not to laugh at the sight of her ex covered in spaghetti. Margaret didn't see the punch to her eye coming. Hawkeye and BJ reacted just in time to catch her.

"You witch, you home wrecker, you, you adulterous ……."Louise continued.

"Now just hold on Mom, you're going to regret saying these things in the morning." Edith the voice of reason pointed out. Molly also had to put in her two cents worth.

"Daddy, Mommy is always doing that. She walks up to random people and attracts them."

"Cos she's always drinking this stuff but we are not allowed to have it. Jason says its booze." Polly added.

"And just who is Jason?" Frank asked. He may not have let on in Korea but he loved his three girls more than money.

"Mommy's boyfriend he lived with us whilst you where in the war." Polly answered.

Frank made some facial gestures that represented a fish out of water before setting Polly down on the floor.

"Excuse me." Frank said quietly that made even Hawkeye feel sorry for him. Frank walked away with a much dignity one can muster whilst covered in spaghetti and feeling his heart break in two all over again. Everyone around the table was speechless.

"What did I say wrong?" Polly asked out loud as Edith ushered her younger sisters away to get cleaned up.

Whilst Frank was trying to calm himself down and pull himself back together, BJ and Hawkeye where dealing with Margaret, Trapper was attempting to calm Louise Burns down. Unsuccessfully as she started verbally assaulting him. In the resulting chaos that followed nobody noticed Klinger slipping away.

Klinger eventually found Frank in his hotel room biting his lip and clutching hold of the pillow.

"Hey, you okay?" Klinger asked.

Frank didn't answer for a long time. "I miss them." He finally admitted. He sounded on the verge of tears. Klinger sat down next to him, put an arm around him. Frank rested his shoulder on Klinger's shoulder briefly as Klinger rubbed Franks back. He let Frank shed some tears for a little while, kissing them away, in till a soft knocking came on the door.

"Sir, Klinger, everything okay in there?" Radar asked.

"Just leave us for a bit." Klinger called back.

"Okay." Radar responded before he could be heard telling someone that his room was just across the hall.

Meanwhile in another hotel room in the same building Hawkeye was gently tending to Margaret's eye. Margaret was leaning into him doing her tough Major routine again.

"There you go all done." Hawkeye announced before hugging her.

Margaret shifted her position so she was resting her head on his chest.

"That was an interesting end to dinner." Margaret conceded.

"And the night is still young." Hawkeye mused. He was feeling randy. To be honest he was always feeling randy but this night he was especially randy, to the extent where his tuxedo felt a bit too restrictive. However he sensed Margaret was a bit shaken by the night's activities so far. He wrapped his arms around her as she snuggled into him.

"We should probably help Radar with Frank's daughters." She murmured, not sounding pleased with the prospect.

"Radar will be fine. He always had a good rapport with children."

"I can't believe she got arrested."

"Well she did manage to push Trapper out the door." Hawkeye responded as he nuzzled into Margaret's neck. Margaret had been married to him long enough to know what was going on his head. He was worried and scared and feeling vulnerable. Seeing certain people brought back some rough memories for him. She could feel his unease coming off him in waves even though he was doing a good job of faking his way through the role of Camp Clown as it where. And being surrounded by children wasn't exactly helping him, she half expected him to bail a lot sooner than he had done. A knock at the door broke them out of their thoughts briefly. Trapper and BJ appeared in the doorway.

"We come in?" BJ asked as Trapper handed over a wad of notes.

Margaret waved them in. Hawkeye protested softly in her ear.

"What's with the change of money boys?" Margaret asked.

"Ah, rumbled." Trapper said good naturedly with a grin. Margaret tried to prise Hawkeye off her; he fell back against the bed with a thud.

"Ah a little wager about how I would find you two in the same room. So how long you two been seeing each other?" BJ asked.

Hawkeye still hadn't righted himself. It didn't look like he would either, a fact Margaret planned to take full advantage off as soon as she got rid off her two friends. She scratched Hawkeye's stomach affectionately.

"Ah shall I tell them huh." She asked Hawkeye.

He fumbled about in his pocket and produced something gold and shiny. He placed it on her hand.

"Long enough for me to get him to give me one off these!" Margaret said showing her hand to the two stunned doctors.

"Wow, you and him, engaged!" Trapper asked.

"Married actually, close to two years." Margaret squealed. She bounced lightly on the bed.

"Why you son off a gun! And you never told us because?" BJ asked.

"Long story, circumstances not ideal." Hawk grunted. He really didn't want to talk about it.

"Wow congratulations!" Trapper finally got his mouth to respond. "I remember me and Louise in the early years."

"And me and Peg." BJ added with a wistful look on his face. They both noticed Margaret's hand rubbing at Hawkeye's stomach.

"Yeah." Trapper agreed. "In fact, it's been a while since we where like that."

"Same here, not easy when you got children."

"Somehow that drink doesn't seem appealing now."

"Hawkeye produced a "Do not disturb" Sign. He aimed it towards the door. Both of his buddies smiled.

"Much as I love ya, get out! We didn't get to go on honeymoon!" Hawkeye said with a grin. His friends took the hint and left. Trapper making sure to place the sign on the door knob as he left. Hawkeye hauled himself up, and rearranged himself around Margaret.

"And I really wanted that honeymoon." He murmured in her ear.

"I know. We both could have done with the break. And I promised to make it up to you as well didn't I?" She said with a mischievous smile.

Hawkeye felt a sense of anticipation growing in his stomach. Margaret broke out of his grip and Hawkeye groaned again. Despite the anticipation he was rather content the way he was. That was until he saw what she was removing from the minibar.

"I put in a request to the management for this." She said revealing the can of whipped cream.

"Aha." Hawkeye managed. Margaret set it down and started working on pealing away the layer of clothes Hawkeye was in. She managed to fight him off as she got him topless. She also managed to get him to lie down on the bed as she drew little tribal designs on his exposed skin with the cream. He flinched at the coolness of the cream and then squirmed about as she set her tongue on the task of removing the cream. She rolled him over despite his protests and did the same on his back. When she said she was going to make it up for him she wasn't specific what the it was. The lack off honeymoon, dragging him back on the bus, shunning him every time he was nice to her, plotting to get him court marshalled, being part of the system that separated him from his dad for three long and lonely years. Everything. And as she felt him shiver underneath him as she give him a much needed massage she hoped this was going someway to try and make it all better.

Klinger sighed with relief as he finally got the last off the spaghetti cleaned off Frank's youngest girl. They seemed happy to be away from their mother for the night and to spend time with their father, even if he was acting like a total basket case. It was kind of sweet to watch him play with his children, giving them lots off hugs. It seemed so unlike him yet Klinger knew at the same time it was him. The Major Burns Korea experienced was just his way off covering up his homesickness, the fact he was scared and didn't know how to fit in. Klinger could relate to that, he reflected as he tossed the face cloth into the wash basket. Polly bounded towards her dad and all three girls pounced on him at the same time. Frank was clearly enjoying it as much as the three girls. Radar was keeping them amused to with his impressions, his boyish attempts improved drastically. However it was clear the girls and indeed Frank where getting tired. With there mother facing a night in the drunk tank to sober up the girls where staying with their dad. Radar seemed to have read Klinger's mind.

"There's a spare bed in my room if you need it." He murmured so only Klinger's could hear it.

"Thanks kiddo." Klinger's replied.

This is why Klinger found himself in Radars room an hour later. Franks girls had taken the bed, Frank was asleep on the couch and Klinger's mind was racing 10 to the dozen. A fact Radar was aware off but tactfully chose to try and ignore. He also was trying to ignore the goings on in the room next to him. Trapper appeared to be having a good time judging by the banging on the wall. But something was not right in Klinger's head.

"Radar can I talk to you about something?"

"Sure what?" Radar said. However it sounded more like "ur hut" as he was cleaning his teeth at the time.

"How come you helped me, find Frank again after everything?"

Radar spat out the toothpaste and rinsed off his toothbrush.

"Because you're my friend silly. Besides I was helping Hawkeye track down Major Houlihan at the time so why not help out someone else?" Radar responded before he realised his blunder. "Opps shouldn't have said that." He said with a grin.

"Them two finally got it together then. About time." Klinger responded as he went to brush his teeth. Radar took the opportunity to quickly get into his night clothes, he may have grown up but he was still a modest little chap. Although his girlfriend might argue otherwise. Klinger's emerged from the bathroom, quickly got changed and then realised that BJ and Peg where taking advantage of not having Erin that weekend. Him and Radar exchanged a look, shrugged and said their goodnights.

Meanwhile Margaret was still having her fun. To Hawkeye's relief she had finally freed him from his pants. Unfortunately he was still clad in his shorts. However he had got Margaret to her underwear now and it was his turn to have fun with the cream. He drew a series of small smiley faces on her exposed parts and slowly licked them off. He poured a little into her Belly button and slowly licked it away, enjoying the feel off her squirming underneath him. Much Kissing and groping followed, the cream managing to work its way all over the pair for talented tongues to find. To say It was so worth not having their honeymoon was an understatement. But Margaret knew Hawkeye wouldn't be able to restrain himself for much longer, wouldn't be able to stand much more of the touch teasing, especially after the little performance she put on getting out off her clothes. As he kissed her this time her lacy red Bra found itself being wrapped around the lamp shade and he started to seek out friction as he nuzzled into her chest. She put a restraining hand on his hip. She said she was going to make it worth it, and it would be if he could hold out a tiny bit longer. She knew he liked it when she did the work for him and whoops there went to the last of their clothes. She gently kissed her way down to bellow the belt as it was and remembering the cream to sweeten the taste for her to sent him on the journey to bliss.

A passage of time and a can of whipped cream later Hawkeye was exhausted. However it had been so long since he felt so relaxed. Margaret was settled on his lap as he absently played with her hair.

"I needed that." He admitted. "Not necessarily the sex but the closeness." He said, however he quickly added "The sex part was fantastic don't get me wrong, the sex part was needed to."

"I know what you mean." She said as she reached up to kiss him. He looked tired in a good way now.

"You should get some sleep." She commented.

"Hum, so should you." He responded as he squirmed a little. Despite their previous workout blood was starting to build up in a certain area again. Well Hey he couldn't help how he was biologically created could he?!?

"Unless you know, you want to go again?" Margaret asked mischievously. Hawkeye's response was a slight snore. Margaret smiled as she slipped them both down under the covers. For the first night in a long time they both slept soundly as there slumbering forms seaked each other out. As they awoke the next morning they found their limbs intertwined and themselves pressed into each other.

As Frank awoke the next morning he couldn't help but smile at the sight off his three daughters sleeping peacefully. He now found himself faced with a new problem to try and deal with. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that Klinger would accept his decision whichever way he picked but it was a decision he didn't want to have to make. Because deep in his heart he still felt something for her. He realised now it was not love, it was fear. Except maybe he loved her money on a superficial level. He had been scared of her since the day they had met; Margaret was in a way the same. He felt something more for Margaret and it did break his heart when she went and Married that twerp Pernofscott. But he now realised that was lust and he did feel happy that she had found someone to make her happy, even if that person was once someone who made his life miserable. However he knew deep down inside that he somehow had to confront his fear and fight Louise for custordy of his three girls. As Klinger slipped in and wrapped his arms around Frank, Polly awoke. Unseen to either man she smiled at the sight. It was not like other children's parents in her class but her Daddy looked happy. And that's all Polly needed to know for her to think that Klinger was a good person. She watched as her Daddy leaned back into Klinger's embrace and said the words she had wanted to hear since he had gone away.

"I'm going to fight for them."

"It won't be easy, they will be hurdles."

"I don't care, Max, I love them, and I love you and I'm not scared anymore."

And Klinger's smile was worth a thousand words. It took a long time for Both Frank and Margaret to get there but they both found someone to love and for them to love back!


End file.
